For Those So Lazy That They'd Spend Any Effort to Avoid a Moment of Dusting

For Those So Lazy That They'd Spend Any Effort to Avoid a Moment of Dusting is a collection of varyingly useful household spells, compiled by an unknown editor who - judging from the ragged edges of some of the parchments contained within - did not scruple to rip out what he was too lazy to copy.

The outer binding, constructed of wood stitched with metal and covered in a thick, rich velvet, is extraordinarily thick and heavy, making For Those So Lazy a tempting item to throw if faced with an exceptionally large rat. However, if one prefers more elegant methods of rat extermination, or lacks a sure throwing arm, one of the folios inside contains several means of killing and repelling not only rats, but also meece, insects, and all manner of bed lice (did you know there are 137 distinct kinds of bedbugs? An essay within, in painfully tiny writing, contains that fact. I despair merely imagining the lifelong research implied). Other folios contain a hodgepodge of spells concerning household cleaning, grooming, food preparation, home maintenance, tailoring, etc.. One unlabeled portfolio, recognizable by a peculiar sort of bright gray smudgy cover, contains a loose (literally) collection of malicious household spells, ranging from the pathetic (directions for creating a "threshold to make likely the toes stubbed, with a chance high of the toenails ingrown upon crossings repeated" - it's a "mercy large" that the editor did not include too many entries by that writer!) to the pathetically grotesque (pants which create painful, seeping sores, not in the wearer, but in those seated next to him in crowded public areas). Unlike A Useful Compendium of Spells for a Happy Household, however, none of these spells will dissolve careless apprentices in water.

Although a few non-item-based spells are included, For Those So Lazy emphasizes enchantment of items - "for the creation of a self-sweeping broom, with marginal notes discussing a theoretical course of plausible modifications for the creation of a self-wielded snow shovel" is a typical entry - making it seem likely that the anonymous - what shall we call him - the author? the compiler? the editor? the thief in chief? - was, or is, Touccian. Those interested in more conventional approaches to household management should consult A Useful Compendium of Spells for a Happy Household or possibly the little-read twenty-fourth appendix to Morgenstern's Guide to the Terrible and Forbidden.

--By Melon, scholar, as dictated to his loyal and veracious assistant Bonalo.